> We did wonder Federman since
you’re driving to
if you would stop by the farm on the way. <
Yes, of course we are driving. We love the narrow French roads bordered by sweeping arches of tall ancient trees. And yes, we are going to try to find the farm where I slaved when I was a kid during the war.
We love the French cows in the meadows who look at the tourists with dumb eyes while masticating their cuds. They look like they’ve been painted there just for our pleasure.
Here take a look at this photo.
Oh, oh, those are donkeys. Well, same thing, they look just as dumb as the cows. I have the picture of the cows somewhere.
And we love les petits restaurants de campagne where you can stuff yourself with delicious pâtés, fromages, sauces, crème caramel, and le vin du pays.
We are driving a Renault Mégane deluxe silver gray grand comfort that will go up to 200 kilometers an hour, I’m not kidding, my usual speed on the damn autoroutes.
I say damn because every ten kilometers there is a péage – toll, in case the word is not yet in your French dictionary.
The French love to invent new words for every situation so they don't have to use foreign words. Especially not English words. That's how xenophobic they are.
Do you know that at one time it was a crime in
I think it was De Gaulle, when he was president, who passed that law. Or maybe it was Giscard D’estaing. They both suffered extreme linguistic chauvinism. It was insane.
People were denouncing other people who used English words instead of the official invented French word.
For instance, if you said le parking instead of le stationnement, or the side door instead of
But back to the autoroute. Do you know what a traffic jam is called here. Un bouchon. Yes, a cork! And when the traffic is moving normally, they say fluide. There are electric signs all over the roads to tell you if you’re fluid or not.
I tell you, sounds like all the French automobilists either suffer of constipation or diarrhea, depending on the condition de la circulation sur l'autoroute.
> This is not going to be
another story about shit, is it? <
Depends on how the story goes. You know farm stories have a tendency to be full of manure.
But back to the signs on the autoroute. The best sign is the one you see on main roads that have a little side lane for you to stop in case your car breaks down. They call it voie de détresse. Imagine that. When a Frenchman's car breaks down, the driver suffers a crisis of distress, and he has to stop in la voie de détresse to recover.
Excuse the digressions. I feel incurably digressive these days. I just wanted to give you a sense of how educational it is to drive in
But, look, I suppose the French have to protect their linguistic stature in the world. Otherwise they would be swallowed up by the English language as so many other countries have been this past century. Take
So it’s understandable that the French should at least try to protect their language since, as revealed recently in USA Today, the economy of the State of
If France had allied itself totally and openly with the Third Reich during World War II, if France had jumped in bed with Hitler, instead of doing it hypocritically under the covers, so to speak, it would not have tumbled into 5th place in the world economy, because after America had wiped out la Belle France, then it would have rebuilt it, as it did Germany and Japan, and certainly France would now be in 2nd place in terms of its economy. Second because we Americans love French things. French fries, French toast, French perfumes, French cheeses, French wines, French lingerie, French kisses, French girls, and especially the French countryside.
When you’re driving in France, your wife, or whoever is sitting next to you, shouts every ten minutes, oh look at that beautiful château là-haut sur la colline.
I think the French ought to be more accepting of English words. It might help their economy and their position in the world.
So far the Renault is great, no problems, but the péage can ruin a good vacation. Each time it's twenty francs and some centimes. Always with a few centimes so the péage authority can get rid of their extra worthless coins. It costs you more than 100 francs to drive fifty kilometers in
> How much is that in dollars? <
At the current rate of exchange, about twenty bucks. But the French are clever. To take your mind away from the péage they put all sorts of pictures along the autoroute. Posters, signs, even statues. Pictures of castles, churches, monuments. Pictures of wild life. Pictures of fauna and flora. Posters describing charming little villages. And all kinds of signs praising the grandeur of la Belle
> Federman stop stalling,
start telling us the farm now. <
I have started. Aren't you listening? We are on the way to the farm. I even gave a tentative title to what I have told so far.
RETURN TO MANURE~~~~~~~ RETOUR AU FUMIER
Like that. In two languages spread out across the
pages.
You see, the story of the farm can only be told bilingually, à cause de la couleur locale. The story would go flat if the local color was in English.
Erica doesn't like my title. She says it should be Les Cerisiers. You'll see why in a moment. But I find that title too commercial.
In fact, after I tried all sorts of titles ..................................................
Back to the Farm / Knee Deep in Manure
The Cherry Trees / Les Cerisiers
Loving the Cows / Life in the Barn
Fear & Loathing on the Farm
Excremental Souvenirs
Le Merdier
......................... I finally decided that the title should simply be:
RETURN TO MANURE
A Nostalgic Tale For Bigleux!
No comments:
Post a Comment